On classic literature

 

Celery mum: There was a girl, she was a maid I think, and something terrible happened to her? Is it Hound of the Baskervilles?

Celery: Tess of the D'Urbervilles.

Speaking of 2025...

 

Richard: How much does a house cost around here?

Cez: Ask Thingy.

Richard: James, how much does a house cost around here?

Cez: I meant Rightmove!

On the 24-hour time format

 

James: "Richard says he'll arrive 2025. So, in 4 years' time."

Don't ever change

Cez: My colleague was very impressed with my office. Said it was bigger than his. I said his was just cluttered.

Richard: You took his jealousy and were cutting about it. Don't change!

Maybe he went to a tin pot university

Irish Senior: Let's get a move on. Tempus is fugitting, and all that.

On weather patterns

Darcy [reading the weather forecast]: Windy, but warm.

Irish: Like me!

On TV politics

Richard [to Darcy, over-aggressively]: I asked you a question, and you failed to answer it!

James: Calm down, it's not a Tory leadership debate.

"Cultural" exchange

Nick: "How was your cultural exchange to Russia?"

Richard: "A lot of people got off with each other."

James: "Nothing about the city, or the architecture..."

So I studied something useful in University instead of Maths

Cez: "... and it doesn't make sense, until you realise that i is a completely imaginary number..."

James: "Yes, at some point the Sesame Street method of mathematics does begin to break down."

We Are So Middle Class

Cez: "So I told her, the brioche isn't as good as you think it will be..."

Richard: "We are so middle class."

That's not what you say at the meetings

Celery mum: "That beer last night was good; it was as good as a juice!"

Healthy debating

Andrew: "Can we continue agreeing in the style of a heated argument?"

What I Didn't Say

Celery boss: "Congratulations on passing the exam you've been studying for over the last year! Where's the party?"
Celery [engages brain-mouth filter, and successfully suppresses this completely inappropriate comment]: "IN MY PANTS!!!"

An original!

Cez: "I just stood there for ages while they went to fetch the cheese platter. It was like waiting for Gouda."

On bad jokes

Mr. Dad Jokes: "In Jamaica, a shepherd's pie costs 50 cents. A vegetarian pie costs 30 cents. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean."

On Russell Group Universities

Irish: " 'Edible mollusc' - seven letters."
Cez: "Abalone."
Irish: "Never heard of it. Maybe I did go to a tin pot university."

Enough said, Part Two

James: Louise now works as a linguist.
Cez: Is she cunning?
James: No, I don't think so... I don't get it.

On politics

HL: Well, what more can you expect from a non-Tory voter?

On status

Richard: [re: professional medical conversations] You should always answer the phone with full name and status.
Half Irish: I'm going to be disappointed if you don't answer the phone with "Richard, single".

On racism

HL: There are two and a half Irish people at this table...
James: One is me, these northern Irish scum are half each, who's the other half?

On long car journeys

We are playing Quantum Go Fish, where the categories and cards are made up as you go along...

Shahar: James, do you have any games consoles?
James: Yes.
Shahar: Do you have an X-Box?
James: Yes. [hands over the "card"]

Later...

James: Richard, do you have any food containers?
Richard: Yes.
James: Do you have an eggs box?

It's nice to be appreciated

Me, to my colleagues: "I'm back!"

Colleagues: "That's nice. Were you gone?"

Me, to guy behind the counter at KFC: "A Zinger burger, please."

KFC employee man: [sincerely enthusiastic, I think] "Hi! Haven't seen you in ages!"

[points at the only other employee, of four, who I don't recognise]

"She's new."

[waits for his colleague to greet me like I'm a VIP; she appears to get the message]

 

The moral of the story is that I eat way too much fast food.

And the award for Best Foreign-Language Pick-Up Line goes to...

(Not to be confused with Best Pick-Up Line.)

Spanish bloke: "Wanna come make some tourism with me?"

Where in the world is...

Celery colleague #1: "I'm going to Warsaw for a conference."

Celery colleague #2: "That's nice. Is that in the North?"


See other Geography fails here, here and here.

Duties of a Bridesmaid

Bridesmaid #1: I did my duty, I bagged one of the groomsmen [the bride's best friend].

Bridesmaid #2: Technically, you bagged one of the other bridesmaids.

On dirty stop-outs

The day after a wedding: blow-up mattresses in the bride's parents' living room...

Relative: It looks like everyone has been sleeping in here!

Bridesmaid #2 [meaningful look at Bridesmaid #1]: No, not everyone...

On the effects of castration

Cez: "And if you did men, there would be no more wars!"

Guest Star: "Would they also be tidier and more useful around the house?"

Tufnell Park Underground Station is currently closed

Tube driver [one part helpful, two parts sardonic]: "Customers wishing to alight here, please continue your journey at street level."

On jealousy

[Someone in the room has clearly just come back from holiday.]

Guest Star #354: "He looks like he's had an accident with the sun."

On Shakespeare

[Re: Warehouse 2B]

Nick: "Is that because it's still in planning?"

 

On sharing and sharing alike

Male Guest Star, a new acquaintance from that day: "Shall we double team it?"

Cez: "..."

Male Guest Star: "The washing up, I mean."

On misnomers

On our hike, we reach the Valley of Desolation and survey the scene.

Rhubarb: "To be fair, it looks a lot more desolate in the winter..."

On analogies

This may explain the human nature of why when we have something, we tend to use it.

Disclaimer: This does not hold true in all cases!

Lecturer: "If you own a Ferrari, do you drive to the supermarket in a Fiat 500?"

On overuse of certain words to portray situations which they do not literally portray.

[The Scene: the opening sequences of a game of Settlers of Catan.]

Rhubarb: "I'm going to build a house here, in literally the only place I can build it."

Cez: "... Except for that other place over there, which I agree isn't any good."

Rhubarb: "All right. I'm going to build a house here, in figuratively the only place I can build it!"

On condescension

Bailey: "It's your go [at poker], HL."

HL: "After I tell my story, young lady."
 

There's something for everyone out there...

James: "I joined a jive class... which is a great place to go if you want to dance with middle-aged women for 30 seconds at a time."

On American lingo

The Scene: A happy group of drinkers around a table in a bar. One returns with a round of drinks; one of those drinks is placed in front of a person who hadn't quite finished their previous drink yet.

American Guest Star [in typically loud, piercing American voice]: "Hey, you're double fisting!"

A stunned silence falls abruptly, including the surrounding tables. American Guest Star remembers which country she's in, and hastily explains that she means double-parked.

Complete Stranger: "Well, he might be double-fisting later tonight, love, you never know."

Casual xenophobia

Andrew: "What's the best thing to do in Edinburgh in a single evening?"

HL: "Take the train back down to London."

Medical snobbery

James: "My dad is a doctor."

HL: "A real doctor?"

James: "A GP."

HL and Cez together: "No, then."

On pausing at inappropriate times

James, learn to punctuate your sentences properly, or they end up with a completely different meaning...

James: "My girlfriend lives in the forest... of Dean."

and later

"My Dad hasn't got long left... until he retires."

On nicknames

We have a piece of equipment called an Amplatz Super Stiff (it's a type of wire which is, as per the name, less flexible than others)...

Celery boss: "Get me a Super Stiff!"
I decide not to say, "I thought you only liked those on the weekend."
Celery boss: "Yes, that was my nickname at University!" [laughs at his own joke]
I decide not to say, "But no longer, I notice!"

I thank you.

Fact.

Yes, I still go to lectures...

Lecturer: "Circumcision? It's no skin off my nose!"

James, you'll love this one... (Running with mathmos, Part II)

Cez went on a statistics course recently, and now she thinks she's a mathmo...


Lecturer: "So the key point is deciding which statistical test to do. Take this list here for example. Chi-squared? Uncertainty coefficient? I'm not sure."

The class is silent.

Lecturer: "That was the one joke for today. Don't expect any more."

On academia (Running with mathmos, Part I)

Cez went on a statistics course recently, and now she thinks she's a mathmo...

Lecturer [looking at the course schedule that he had written]: "Hmm, start at 9, finish at 4.30? Seems a bit light..."

Cez: "Isn't that what academia's all about?"

Lecturer: [gives her a LOOK]

Cez: "Er... I mean, isn't that what a study day's all about?"

Lecturer: "... That's more like it."

On widening social circles

Because my friend is your friend...

Female Guest Star: "I have a friend who can't say no..."
Male Guest Star: "I'd really like to meet her!"

On circus entertainment

Spending 7 hours making rainbow jelly vodka shots whilst the turducken roasted...

Dr James 'Jimbear' Blundell: How do you think it'll taste?
Dr Dr Richard Manns: (Without missing a beat) Like sucking off a clown.

Afterwards, Dr Blundell tried his first one and immediately coughed/sprayed it over the other 79. This didn't stop their consumption by all.

On infectivity

Sarah 3 (guest star): "So, how did you get the disease?"
Blaise: "Someone gave me the disease..."

[Re: Blaise's project on how disease spreads through radish crops. But it's more interesting if we don't clarify that.]

BBO Hallowe'en party 2013

Re: poker.
Andrew: "If anyone's got a 7 or 11, that's quite good..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Re: acronyms
James O'D: "Defra being..."
Blaise: "The Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs."
James O'D: "Where's the D? Oh, Department."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Re:
James O'D: "My friend Duncan, who I'm doing this kiss thing with..."
They are allegedly performing in a talent show as members of the band Kiss.

Well, that's why I'm not a vet

Cez: "Yes, I can see that picture of you, with a cat."

Bailey: "... It's a lamb."

Cez: "It's a really small picture."

Telling tails

I have recently treated workmate R's cat Jackson after he came home dragging his tail limply behind him. R is a married woman. We have this conversation in the prep room with Oz Vet working on something else in the background. 

R: "He's managed to get it up this morning! Almost halfway. He's still not able to use it properly though. You know, [husband] thought maybe he just slept on it funny and made it go numb..."

[Oz Vet's eyes have been getting gradually wider...]

R: "...so maybe that's why his tail wasn't right. Jackson does silly things like that."

Oz: "Oh thank God. I thought you were talking about your personal life!"

He really walked into that one

Featuring special guest, coworker vet D (which in this case will stand for Dublin vet school), who frequently brings up Cambridge and Stephen Hawking when winding me up...

As D and I cross paths in the ward I accidentally almost trip him:

D: "Tch, trying to trip me. Would you do that to Stephen Hawking?"
Me: "How do you think he ended up in a wheelchair?"
D: "... I'm not talking to you anymore."

Casual Northern-ism

KP, Guest star #54: "What do they do in Lincolnshire(1)? They make sausages(2)."

(1) Yes, I know this isn't that far north, but it's far enough.
(2) I realise this could be construed as a compliment rather than the disparaging comment it was intended to be. Please do not be confused.

Not immune from lectures yet!

I go on a lot of courses; this is apparently part of my Continuing Professional Development.

Lecturer: "And this next thing we're not going to talk about, so here's a picture of some trees."

Graduation is a solemn occasion

To Bailey, as they create the groups of four:

Praelector: And you'll get all four fingers because you're special.

And, whilst searching for an absent graduand...

Praelector: Cox. Cox? Cox! Cox! Cox?!


I hear it was good wine last night, eh?

Did he really just say that?

Blaise's mum: "I used to dance on tables..."

Richard: "For money?"

She was just ox-ing for that pun

Told to me after they'd been out on a countryside walk:

Gerard: "Those calves have a lot of energy, look at them running around."
Louise: "They're gamboling."
Gerard: "The steaks must be high..."

It runs in the family

After I, then Mammy, missed several calls on a few different days because we'd both forgotten to turn our mobiles off silent, HL tries to understand our logic -

HL: " 'I know my phone has this feature so I know when someone is contacting me. But I choose to disable this feature, you know, to make it more exciting' ?"

Well, that's all okay then

Talking to owners who had returned to collect their dog, having been touring the town centre to kill time during the day -

Clinician: "So, did you enjoy the town?"
Owner: "Oh yes, busy though, when we went to see the colleges and all."
Clinician: "So you met the hundred and one Chinese and Japanese tourists! At least they're short enough you can see the sights over their heads..."
[everyone laughs]
Me: [amused] "I should probably point out that my future in-laws are Chinese."
Clinician: "Really?! Well, pretend I just said Japanese then."

It is?

Random girl on the street:

"Chicken is orgasm in a bird. It's sex on little, clucky legs."

What?

"Pfft. It's ASDA, not Jesus."

Random quote I recorded on my phone. I have no idea either.

The Eternal Optimist

Blaise: "Wine then beer makes you feel queer. But wine then beer then more wine... makes you feel fine."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - The New Film

Narrator: "... after years of estrangement, the brothers reunite..."

Blaise: "Wouldn't they be middle-aged mutant ninja turtles by now?"

On MAs and countability

Following a discussion on the feasibility of Ramsey's 'lifestyle opportunities'...

Blaise: Han-Ley, you can go for a one-to-one mapping of Ramsey's cock if you like.

On healthy living

Blaise: "My body is a temple, which I make sacrifices to, like chocolate cake and wine."

Obfuscation of Justice

Louise complains about lack of money and (jokingly) how she might have to rob a bank -

Me: "They'd probably have silent alarms."
Louise: "Oh. I could cover myself in talcum powder and tin foil."
Me: "What?!"
Louise: "Aren't those the laser things that you walk through?"
Me: "No, it's a button under the counter that alerts the police."
Louise: "Oh... well, at least when the police show up they won't know what I am."

Well, that explains everything.

NB: "Creep feed" = the pellets fed to young calves.

Farm animal vet:

"I knew a guy once who caught ringworm from eating creep feed. [dismissively] But he's from Yorkshire."

On reputation

During a Part 1B practical, where I was demonstrating for the 2nd group...

Female undergraduate: Excuse me, are you Mr 'Inframammary Angle'?
Richard: Errr...
Female undergraduate: Yes! Alice told me, "You'll never guess who demonstrated last week! Inframammary Angle!"

On spelling it out...

Andrew is implying that I'm possibly veering towards homosexuality...

Andrew: "You like pink, don't you, Richard?"
Richard: "No, not really."
*pause*
Richard: "Well, it depends on what pink we're talking about..."

Everyone sniggers, apart from Blaise looking nonplussed...

A few minutes of increasingly exasperated hinting ensues, before finally...

Bailey: "VAGINAS. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS."

It's fun to insult random strangers

On spotting a particularly attractive barmaid -

Richard: "Muffin-top tramp-stamp."

On polygamy

Ruba: "... it's physically impossible to love two people a precisely equal amount."

Cez: "Couldn't you just make sure you strictly took turns?"

Ruba: "We're talking about soppy love..."

Chris: "Not sloppy love."

On romancing

Cez: "The universe could end tomorrow."

Andrew: "The universe could end tonight."

Richard: "Is that your standard pick-up line, Andrew?"

On pronounciation

Sky: "I could be a barrister, and make James extra strong coffees!"

Everyone else: "..."

Chris: "... a barista?"

Possibly Jessica's inaugural entry to the Quote Book

Jessica: "If James were a woman, he would have been knocked up so many times by now... he needs to learn to say no."

On buying women

Darrell: "I would have gone with Barbies are cheaper than hookers, but now that it comes to it, I'm not entirely sure on the price of either."

An easygoing personality

Blaise: "Yes, that's fine... I've just realised I didn't actually hear what I just agreed to."

Always best to know when to stop

Andrew is fairly new to poker and has been drawn to bet far too much money on a bad hand, which he eventually loses...

Andrew: "I just - he raised me, and I couldn't stop betting..."
HL: "Don't ever go to Las Vegas. You'll leave naked. With AIDS."
Others: "...AIDS?!"
HL: "Prostitution for more gambling money."

He's like a mammary GPS

During a conversation about obesity at BA dinner -

Richard: "General rule: breasts should go past bellybutton, not the other way around."
[I look down, Richard looks confused]
Me: "I was just checking how this slouched posture affects things."
Richard: "It doesn't. I'm aware of the location of your tits at all times, don't worry."
[pause]
Richard: "You really shouldn't let me near alcohol."

On status cars

HL: "When people see someone driving by in a BMW, they think 'Wow, that person has more money than me.'"
Me: "I think a lot of them think 'Look at that wanker in the BMW.'"
HL: "I want to be that wanker in the BMW."

SCIENCE

*in the lab office, talking about names of plasmids*

Jim: We should name a plasmid pNis (hehehe, penis).

Gemma: This is getting a bit childish; I should go.

Richard: Yes, before it rubs off on you.

Gemma: *walks away*

Gemma: *pauses*

Gemma: *disgusted look*

Pune

Cez: "Homo erectus - I think it's one of the intermediate stages between monkeys and man."

Cez's housemate Will: "The one before that was Homo floppy."

Stereotypes exist for a reason

After my short description of living in Ireland:

Megan:
"So it's true! It's all rain and potatoes!"

To be fair, he should know by now to choose his words more carefully.

During a phone conversation, Gerard mentions a male friend who has been giving confusing more-than-friendly signals, then:

Gerard: "So, I guess I really just don't know how to take this guy."
Me: "Well..."
Gerard: "You! Don't. Say. Anything."
Me: "... okay."

But I thought we got to 300 posts ages ago...

... so I don't understand why we were still only on 300 when I signed in just now.

Any ideas, anyone?

But let's not wish too hard, it just might come true

The Scene: We are staring idly at the news, showing on a far-off television in the canteen. It's muted, but the sign-language subtitles are on.

Cez's colleague: "If only I were deaf, I'd know exactly what he was saying."

Instant Quotes, Just Add Alcohol!

Richard: "You sucked me into my father fingering a dwarf!"

Me: "Nyehhh!"
Richard: "Nyehhhh!"
Blaise: "Nyehhhhhh!... I felt left out."

Random posh girl: "I don't consider myself posh because my parents worked."

She's on a roll

While visiting my aunt, she told us about a minor car accident they'd had due to losing a wheel unexpectedly.

Aunt: "The steering column started to vibrate first, and we didn't know it was a problem, and I grabbed onto it and said to [passenger], 'Look, I'm Dolly Parton! #IIIIIIiiiiieeeeIIIIIIiiiieeeeIIIIIiiii, willlllll allllllwayyyyys lovvvvvve yooOOOOOOOuuuuu....#' and then there was a bump and I looked out the window and said 'That's my fucking wheel rolling away!', and then we went 'clonk' and stopped."

Mammy: "You know what she did as her encore? '#You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Wheel...#' "

Zing!

During my unexpected extra day at home, there was a family chat re. my upcoming additional year in university -


Uncle Martin: "Well, you know, it's a good year to have stayed back, with the economy and all -"
Me: "Yeah, everything's up in the air at the moment."
Mammy: "Except aeroplanes."

A Rose by any other name

Darrell: "This fork is missing a prong. It's a threek."

On regional accents

Cez, to a co-worker: "That's funny, you don't sound like you're from South London."

Said co-worker from South London: "Why, how do I sound?"

Another co-worker: "Posh."

#High on a hill was a bankrupt banker...#

Malte: "There aren't many Swiss farmers anymore - they all became bankers."
Josh: "Well, that explains the credit crunch."

Overheard in Primark #2

A mother and teenage daughter have just reconvened outside the changing rooms -

Mother:  "Yeah, I tried on that blue top, but it made me look...[thoughtful pause]"
Daughter: [helpfully] "Fat?"

BANZAIIIIII!!

Richard Manns | says:
 Is it just a coincidence that the word "panda" has the same number of syllables as "BANZAI!"? Well, IS IT?
Bailey says:
 nah
 little-known fact, the word BANZAI first came into use as a war cry back when the Japanese and Chinese were fighting with panda-catapults.
Richard Manns | says:
 BAN is from the sound the rubber bands make as they release their pent-up force, and ZAAAAIiiiiiiii... is the last known sound that the panda makes before black-and-white oblivion is handed out like big slices of whoop-ass cake.
Bailey says:
 Ah, and here I thought BANZAI meant "release the panda!" in one language, and "shit, incoming pandas!" in another...
Richard Manns | says:
 Or "incoming panda shit!". Those pandas can get mighty nervous in transit.
Bailey says:
 "eats, shoots and leaves", indeed.

Yes, yes it was

While assembling HL's own-recipe bruschetta together in the kitchen -

Han-Ley: "You're like the Spartacus to my da Vinci!"
Me: "I don't think you mean Spartacus..."

After a quick lesson from Wikipedia -

Han-Ley: "So... that was the worst analogy ever."

On friendship circles

Darrell: "This isn't a circle built entirely of bitching, is it?"

Blaise: "No not at all, I'm the only one that bitches!"

Most brothels must be accidental

James O'D: "I plan on staying in the house a while, not letting it fall into disrepute..."

It's a minor difference, really

Cez, re: Boris Johnson -

"He jumped in a river to save someone."
[funny looks from others in the room]
"...well, he fell in a pond once."

All right, enjoy the scenic route then

As I'm unlocking my bike across the street from Trinity Great Gate, a man on a bike stops by me -

Man: "Excuse me, can you tell me where St John's College is?"
Me: [pointing at the very nearby main gate, right in front of us] "It's that big building right over there."
Man: "On the left?...er...right?"
Me: "On the left, yes."
Man: "On the right?"
Me: "On the left. That big gate with gold designs over it, see, right there."
Man: "Okay, thank you."

As I watch, he cycles off (the wrong way up a one-way street) and turns off... to the right.

Overheard in Primark

"I should totally be the new Trinny & Susannah."
- hipster boy wearing girls' jeans and a beret

-----

In the far end of the women's changing rooms, a loud conversation starts up in (as far as I can recognise) Cantonese. The cubicles next to me house a group of English teenagers -

Girl: "Uh, are they taking the piss or are they speaking, like... a language?"
Friend: "Shhh! ... I know what you mean though."

So We Did

Richard:

"Let's talk about something more wholesome. Like paedophiles."

Needs further investigation

Richard, regarding the use of a touch-screen phone:

"It's so much better than stroking my girlfriend's cleavage!"

Warning Signs For Dummies

Han-Ley:

"Do not drown in water. Water may impair breathing."

Guest star #53

Will, Cez's new housemate: "I went off horror movies when I watched Pitch Black, which is as boring as it sounds."

On love

Considering how the spark goes out of a relationship -

Nick Roberts: "Sparks are supposed to be transient! If it continues, it's not a spark, you're getting electrocuted!"

On bitchy comments

Richard, commenting on a pair of girls: "Oh my God, are those two looking for business?!"

So, I do still exist...

One from an infection control lecture this morning:

"MRSA, that's killing them, that's like stabbing them in the head with a knife. But we don't see prisons full of nurses, do we..."

On ambitions

Blaise: "I always meant to look in the attic of my last house, it was my aim for about three months."

Darrell: "You aim high, don't you?"

On alternative uses of electrical devices

Jessica: "I didn't have my iPod, so I couldn't even play Solitaire."

Chris: "Or listen to music."

No, no it doesn't

1 hour in to Night At The Museum 2:

"I don't think this happens in real life."

I couldn't bear to put this one in with the previous post for fear of sullying my mother.

or, Out Of Context Part II

Ruba: "It's no good if you're not covered in something fun and white!"

No, it really isn't.

Cez's mum: "Our beer's really strong in Malaysia, it's 14 percent!"

All his stories end this way

via Facebook chat:

Uncle:
we were watching some old vid today of 1st time you lot came to visit
you were about [11 years old]

Me:
if that

Uncle:
remember oscar the horse

Me:
...no

Uncle:
well he died

More humour

Darrell: "Would that face ever lie?"

Blaise: "No, but it could be wrong sometimes."


==================================


Chris: "A guy walked into the toilets and tried to have a witty repartee with me about the noise of the hand dryer, but I couldn't hear him."

We Went To The Edinburgh Fringe And Now We Think We Are Comedians Too

Chris: "Do they sell The Times here?"

Blaise: "Scotland does have The Times, it's not as backwards as Wales."


=====================================


Cez, to Blaise's mum: "Guess what Blaise did this morning, she cracked an egg with her bare hands!"


=====================================


Cez: "If I ever did a show at the Fringe, it would just be me ranting about all the things I hate in life."

Blaise: "It's cheaper than a psychiatrist."


=====================================


Blaise: "He's a mixture between an arrogant dick and an immature wanker."

Out Of Context

Sky [James Frost's girlfriend]: "I fell asleep while he was doing it!"


Re: James writing his thesis.

A glimpse into my Amazing, Awe-Inspiring, and Thoroughly Wonderful Sense of Humour

Ruth: "Are you alright to carry the fish and chips home?"

Cez: "Sure, I'll cuddle it to keep it warm ... or should I say, I'll CODdle it."

Ruth: [laughs, despite herself]


The above fish pun is dedicated to James O'D. Long may he rain! (Because fish like the rain, see...)

Of course, it made sense in context

Blaise, sipping a Czech beer:

"You can almost taste the goat!"

For the record

Han-Ley:
"I lie - I'm full of shit."

Is that a tumour or are you just pleased to see me?

After a long and convoluted pub conversation with many threads...

Han-Ley: "Darrell has cancer?!"

Darrell: "Nah, I always look this way."

---
No Darrells were harmed in the making of this quote. Tthey were, however, mildly annoyed.

On famous sayings, and the plagiarism thereof

Chris: "As it turns out, Sky [the name of a girl we know] isn't spelt with an 'e'."

Darrell: "That's because no woman is an island."

On foreign languages

Ruth: "I have this rug, it's beige and white and has Chinese writing on it, which probably says, 'I am a twat'."

On practical jokes

James O'D: "My brother's asked me to leave a bunch of flowers outside his girlfriend's door, then he's going to call her and tell her to go outside, and she'll be all surprised."

Darrell: "You could leave anything!"

Overheard on the train

A builder, to his mate: "We earn twice as much as they earn, but he earns twice as much as we earn, so he's earning THREE TIMES what they earn!"


I wonder if he'd have been even more outraged had he realised the truth.

On bad jokes

Blaise: "The thing that strikes you about Wayne Rooney is his face..."

Chris: "No, the thing that you want to strike about Wayne Rooney is his face..."

[seconds later]

Chris: "I didn't think I'd get that much laughter."

Reunion = drunk people = quotes

James: "I came twice in quick succession... [shortly afterwards] Ooh, I'm going again!"

Sarah T: "My cup is as big as my face!"

Han-Ley: "Is she nice?"
Blaise: "Nice... but... a mathmo..."

James:
"This morning, I thought I had swine flu. I had rashers all over my body, I was scratching everywhere, and I had a temperature - I was bacon hot. I rang NHS Direct, but the line was bad, so I just got a load of crackling. They told me to use oinkment."

He found his first pair of football boots under the bridge.

After Han-Ley had been told to stop being a troll...

Darrell: I thought trolls were fictional.
James: No, look under the bridges. That's where they live.
Chris: Or playing in the number 10 shirt for England.



(Yes, I know Shrek is an ogre, but the resemblance was too good to ignore.)

On vocabulary

Ruth: "Steph's no good at ... interpersonal thinky describingness!"

Cez: "Unlike you."

Woman. Lecturer. Legend.

A selection of quotes from an infamous female lecturer...

Telling us to keep nails trimmed for rectalling -
"You can have a gin hand and a rectal hand, but one arm needs to be short and shitty."

Describing the size of a mare's cervix -
"You've all seen the size of the end of a stallion's penis - you could stick your whole head in there!"

"Some people prefer to use chains, but I have ropes in my office."

"Now we all know penises are wonderful, but let's face it, they're dirty things."

"Ooh, I'm a very cheap date now."

"Like putting a hand down your shirt, or somebody else's... don't do it now. Later. No, not down my shirt."

"I'm very grateful he had blue balls."

"I am not going to mention any other end- ... ender- ... hormone things."

And finally, the oft-heard refrain (paraphrased):
"When I do my own revue I'll be taking the piss out of you lot and the stupid things students say."

They do things differently over there

We saw this road sign on our car journey to Wales:

Blaise: "Roadworks in Australia?"

Neuro = last rotation = yay

Nick Jefferey, trying to get his dog to lie down for a neurological exam
(imagine all patiently said with the same intonation):

"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
[he lifts Fred and forcefully lays the dog down on his side]
"Good boy, Fred!"

----

After being offered the chance to test tendon reflexes with a patella hammer:

Greg: "Nah, I've tapped a fair few dogs in my time. [pause] Ohhhh... that sounded terrible."

Vet Chat

Please note most of the following are as accurately phrased as memory would allow...

----

Simon: I was at a camp once where they made this guy wax his own pubic hair... when he pulled it off he went [mimes grabbing at the area in pain] but then his hand got stuck and he had to rip that off too.

Phil: What kind of camp do you go to, Simon?!

Simon: Oh, I didn't go to it - I was in charge.

----

Chris and JP have been openly plotting for about 5 minutes, then:

Chris (to Simon): We're going to send a hundred pizzas to your hotel room.

JP: We could send a hundred pizzas and a prostitute.

Chris: Why not just send a hundred prostitutes?

Simon: If you're doing that can you send at least one pizza?

JP: They'll all be male prostitutes.

Simon: Well, I'll be able to have a night off.

----

Chris (re: his [ginger] beard): I was thinking of dying it blue. A nice deep aquamarine.

Simon: For camouflage among the dolphins?

Sophie: ...Dolphins have ginger beards?

----

JP (re: his beard, to Sophie): You're just jealous because you can't grow one.

Sophie (immediately): Yes I can! ... Um.

Overheard on Trinity Lane

Passing male cyclist, to cyclist friend:

"-well, I could go back to being a prostitute..."

(I wish they'd been going slower. I'd have loved to hear more.)

Why the clinical vets never forget him

Bainbridge:

"Everything was better in my day - except the cannabis. That was crap."

Triple birthday formal

Sarah LB: "Sorry, who is Buttplug McQueefqueef?"
- Sarah comes in late to a very normal conversation

Sophie: "Must-get-delicious-lamb! Must get DELICIOUS LAMB!"
- while machete-ing the tasty but unyielding lamb shank

Megan: "We have been whipping people... just the essentials."
Richard: "You whip 'the essentials'?"
- don't look at me, I don't remember how this happened

In the restaurant for Emma's birthday:

Me (slightly more quietly than usual):
Oooh! Fat lady, everywhere o'clock!





On facebook walls from a friend who fears my 4 networks compared to her 1:

Hannah:
I am terrified of your networks. :-P xxx

Me:
I fear them; they're breeding and bickering amongst themselves.
But I daren't disturb them, lest they unite against the common foe, and slaughter me to feed their younglings - :(

Lecturers again

Re. A. pleuropneumoniae infection:
"Don't have time to eat. Don't have time to drink. Too busy dying."

and just randomly:
"Now remember, there's enough histamine in your bodies to kill you. Do NOT release all your histamine in one go. You'll be dead."

Our lecturers have odd ideas of "fun".

Lecturer #1:

"Hmm, we might think of getting some dead dog heads and having a fun afternoon... have a good laugh and do it all together."
Re: removing eyeballs.

Lecturer #2:

"Have you seen this? Let's watch it anyway; bit of light relief."
Re: video of pigs mating.

New term, new lecturer quotes.

Lecturer:

"Leptospirosis is a disease of lamp-posts."

Vets & Food

"You know me, I'd be honeyless, mustardless and totally butt-naked given the choice."
-Greg's views on honey-mustard dressing

"Fuck yeah, jellybeans!"
- Megan likes sugar

Who's that girl?

Chris: "I've been seeing that woman on billboards everywhere at the moment. She looks really familiar."

Cez: "... Keira Knightley?"

Chris: "Oh! Is that who she is!"

[a moment's contemplation]

Chris: "Well, that picture doesn't exactly encourage you to look at her face, does it?"

Vet stuff

Megan: "Fractures are caused by a Mel Gibson deficiency."

---------

Greg: (on his fast growth as a teenager) "I'm a broiler, what can I say."

---------

A lecturer attempts to explain the term "dudgeon" to Greg:
Lecturer: "You must have heard of someone being 'in high dudgeon'?"
Greg: "Yeah, I thought it was a place."

---------

A lecturer discusses foot placing to check a horse's proprioceptive ability:
"Some horses are very laid-back, like drunk people - you can put their legs in whatever position you like."
One wonders what she's done/had done to her under the influence...

---------

Greg: (on growth again) "I think my body realised I was going to be a proportionate dwarf, so it hit me with enough growth hormone to kill a small cow."

Honour among thieves ... Confidentiality among medics

Ruth: "... this girl, who shall not be named."

Matt: "Who? Who?"

Heard it on the Underground

PA on the Tube: "Please mind the closing doors. This train is about to leave the station. The next southbound train for Brixton will be arriving in I don't know how many minutes."


Either someone was bored with their job, or I ought to cut back on those funny purple pills.

First week back, and we've been having a few parties...

Richard: "Come on. Live a woman, or die a man?"
[pause]
"Mmm. Titties."

-----

Playing the rhyming game in Ring of Fire, where everyone is supposed to rhyme to the first person's chosen word...

Richard:"Mile."
James: "Smile."
Chris: "Pile."
Cez: "Tile."
Han-Ley: "Camel."

-----

Blaise: "I bought a baguette from our university bakery today, and there was a pebble in it."
James: "Was it stone-baked?"

-----

Richard: "I think I can sum up this night by, 'Blaise or Joe - which one is more of an idiot?' "
James: "That's harsh."
Bailey: "That's very harsh."
Joe: [tips tin of Quality Street over Richard]

-----

Blaise's housemate Constantine (sp?) is collecting the phrase "I love you" in different languages:

Constantine: "Who speaks Welsh?"
Chris: "I do, but I can't say 'I love you.' Why would you say that to a Welsh girl?!"

-----

Han-Ley: "Sexual harassment: it's not a crime, it's a hobby!"
Joe: "And like most hobbies, it's very expensive..."

Better late than never (this post, that is).

BBOC reunion 26/07/08

Richard: "The person in my room before me used to throw digestive biscuits across to Sidney Sussex."
Blaise: "No no Richard, that was us."

-----

Andrew D: "I learned how to make a shank, on the subject of arse rape and other prison-related matters."

-----

Cez, on Chris:
"He was talking to her and I was like, 'And who's THAT?' and he said, his cousin. And I said, 'You're Welsh, I still don't trust you.' "

-----

James O'D: "You can't buy tickets for love nor money... uh, well, obviously you can buy them with money..."

-----

Listening to a local radio station, James fails more than usual in the "Does James Know This Band?" game...

Chris: "Do you know what this song is?"
James: "Is it Take That?"
Chris: "... They're WOMEN."

Also...

The Quote Book -

bringing you wit, wisdom, innuendo, and multiple feet in mouths since September 2005!

And innuendo.
Did I mention the innuendo?

Happy (slightly belated) 3rd birthday, and 3rd anniversary of the first quote!

Yes, this is something we still tease her about.

After I brought up "is New Zealand that one next to Belgium*?" again, Louise attempts to show us that she can point it out on a map...

Louise: "I do know where it is, look..."

[flips to a map in her schoolbook, studies it for a bit]

"... oh wait, it's not in Europe, is it..."

[puts away the MAP OF EUROPE she was searching through]

[family bang heads on table]

------

*Yes, it was actually Luxembourg in the original quote, but for some reason Belgium became the joke.

Introducing my brother

At his male-dominated party, after the barbecue where there was still some uncooked food left...

Will: "Hey, let's have a midnight MEAT FEST!"

--silence--

Max, his friend: "Can we just eat the burgers instead?"

Messages received in the space of two minutes' silence:

Louise says:
Hello
Louise says:
Hai
Louise says:
Hi
Louise says:
Yo
Louise says:
Hey
Louise says:
Hiya
Louise says:
Heya
Louise says:
ARGH
Louise says:
S'up
Louise says:
Holla
Louise says:
Hola
Louise says:
Bonjour
Louise says:
Bonjorno
Louise says:
Shalom
Louise says:
Dia Duit
Louise says:
Hello?
Louise says:
Are you there??

Bailey says:
yes
Bailey says:
but you didn't ask that until now

The joys of cell cultures

As I'm lowering a pipette into a bottle of culture medium...

Vincent: "If you contaminate the medium, it would ruin my entire PhD."
[pregnant pause]
Vincent: "So... uh... no pressure?"

Later, an incubator for cell cultures starts beeping (loudly and annoyingly, so you know it's important) - Franzi goes to it with an air of authority, but the beeping continues:

Vincent: "It's under control?"
Franzi: [shrugs] "Or it will explode in five minutes."

At least *I* haven't been walking in circles or talking to myself lately...

Han-Ley is sitting at the PC looking at an item description page on a computer-bits website when I come up and look over his shoulder...

Me: Pooders!
HL: What?
Me: Pooders!
HL: [blank stare]
Me: Pooders. Pu-ters?... Computers.
HL: That... doesn't really work.
Me: [sulky] Kathryn used to say it...
HL: But didn't someone close her head in a Jeep door once?

Etymology

Discussing vasodilation:

Angela says:
dilating veins?
Bailey says:
yes
Bailey says:
well, no
Bailey says:
vaso refers to vessel, not vein
Bailey says:
veno is vein
Angela says:
and vino is... i know this one

And this is why it's important to read the label.

A lecturer trying to reassure us that deciding what drug to give an exotic pet wasn't a scary and difficult process...

"After all, Baytril's just as good for an invertebrate as it is for a cat. No, wait, it's not good for cats because it makes them go blind, but..."

On colour matching

Blaise: "... and you could bring in a swatch of colour that you wanted, and match it to what they've got - like in those Durex ads!"

[Everyone stares.]

Blaise: "... Dulux, I mean."

On the dangers of... tiny cats?

A discussion about how cats generally like to be outdoors, so shouldn't be kept inside full-time...

Han-Ley: "But if you had a really big house..."

Me: "Yeah, but in that case you should consider getting an FIV-positive cat from a shelter-" *

HL: "What?! I don't want a cat with AIDS..."

Me: "Well, it can't give it to you."

HL: "But what if the virus mutates?"

Me: "And if you then... ate the cat? While very drunk?"

HL: "... It could crawl into my mouth while I sleep."



*Their immune system is destroyed by the virus, so you have to prevent them being exposed to any (cat) disease, and the only effective way to do this is to keep them away from other cats. As you can imagine, they're more difficult to rehome.

On dictatorships

Bill: "Does anyone ever get so good at ruling a country that they get headhunted to rule other countries?"

Steph: "That only happens in football."

One-all

On a related subject to the previous post, we were in fact talking about that the other day!

Steph: "How was your holiday in Hungary?"

Cez: "You mean Istanbul? That's in Turkey."

[Everyone laughs at Steph's poor geography.]

Cez: "I know why you thought that, it's the subliminal effect of my Prague mug!"

Bill: "Prague's in the Czech Republic. I think that's one-all!"

Cez: [sulkily] "Well, at least I didn't think that New Zealand was next to Belgium."

Hannah Montana causes geography failure! We must cancel her show to improve our education like such as and build up our future. For our children.

Me: Remember that time you were telling me about how New Zealand is next to Belgium?

Louise: What? I didn't say that!... It's that one next to Russia, isn't it?

[roomful of laughter]

Louise: Oh, it's beside Greece, isn't it?

[more incredulous laughter]

Louise: Is it in Europe?

Kathryn: [in a "you eejit" tone] Noooooo!

[more]

Louise: ... near Canada?

[most of room falls over]

Louise: So where is it?

Me: It's near Australia.

Louise: Oh right. [pregnant pause] But isn't Australia in Europe?

Me: ... please tell me you're joking?

Louise: ... ... ... ye-e-e-e-s...?

On achievements

Lecturer: "Vaccination is one of the big successes of St. George's [Hospital/Medical School, where Edward Jenner pioneered the smallpox vaccine]. The other is dragon eradication. There have been no dragons in South-West London since this institution was built."

More word play

Cez: "I like what you did with the shoes in the hallway. Very creative."

Ruth: "It's conceptual art."

Bill: "But what's it got to do with conception?"

On feminism

Ruth, a feminist: "Oh Sarah, you're such an anti-feminist!"

Bill: "That's also what Ruth's nieces and nephews will call her."

On personal ads

Bill: "I'd love to see a personal ad that says, 'Looking for Emma. Ex-girlfriend was called Emma. Have tattoo. Need new Emma.' [pause] '"Gemma" would also do.'"

On exams

Cez's cousin: "Okay. Go study. Pass your exams."

Cez: "I'll try..."

Cez's cousin: "There is no try. There is only pass and/or cheat/bribe."

Sage advice on rabbits, etc.

" 'Ooh, I want a fluffy one!'... No you don't. You really. Don't. Want. A fluffy one."

"When you've had a bad day, it can be quite fun to say, 'Your rabbit's got syphilis!' and watch them leap back..."

"Know your enemy. Sorry... know your client."

'Nuff said.

Richard Manns | "Ha-HA! My OTHER weapon of mass destruction is THE LORD." says:
You will never see "perspicacious" and "cock-ring" in the same conversation again.
Bailey says:
God, I hope not.

Lecture notes = treasure trove of forgotten quotes.

When revising for that horrible, horrible exam of which we shall no longer speak, I found a number of quotes and comments scribbled in the margins of my lecture handouts for sessions given by the great P. Maestroni - a very amusing, laid-back and pleasantly-accented ("Sometimes I sound like... what's his name... the one from the TV who says 'Que?' ") lecturer of the microbiology persuasion.

With that explained, please read on... blue = Il Maestro himself (sadly, paraphrased in places), black = my comments on his lectures. :)

-----

"So my son had asthma... and you know that can come from not coming into contact with enough microbes and such naturally. So I took him to stables and had him work with the horses, in the muck and the dirt... his mum wasn't very happy about that."
[pause]
"[mutinous] But then she's never happy anyway."

"10:18am: current distribution of lecture:
- at least 95% on tangents
- about 5% on lecture material.
we heart Piero"

"10:35am:
on a tangent again.
That was a long time...

10:36am:
tangent over.
oh well."

"My brother-in-law, he's a very highly-ranking urologist. Every time he grabs those bits it's another £200. He earns quite a lot in a morning."

More reactions, this time from the other side of the family...

Gene-Leigh, after (finally :P) adding me to MSN...

tea :) says:
MY LUCKY DAY
I GET A SISTER IN LAW
AND
AN MSN CONTACT

I wonder which is more important


And the story of Anonymous Friend's reaction...

tea :) says:
I say to friend - "Brother got engaged!"

She says

"To his girlfriend?"

I think he was joking.

Gerard says:
what's the french word for fiancée?

On the topic of free speech.

Han-Ley:

"Well, you know how it's illegal to shout 'Fire!' in a crowded theatre? The Daily Mail are basically shouting 'IMMIGRANT!' in a crowd of idiots."

Bai was not impressed at MSN Backgammon

(Bailey has the opportunity to take out one of my pieces)

Bailey says (22:44):
and let you at 3 others? don't think so... :P
Richard Manns | needs funding. says (22:44):
Awww... I was wondering whether you'd go for it, but you're clearly risk-averse - :D
Bailey says (22:47):
There's a difference between taking a risk and slapping a big neon sign on that says "Buttfuck me once more, mighty Gods of the MSN dice"

On summer holidays...

Talking with Han-Ley about his upcoming trip to Malaysia this summer...

Me: "Bring me back something nice?"
Han-Ley: "...Sarah Tang?"

On road signs

Bill: "Look! It's a man having difficulty with a large umbrella!"

Lunchroom rambling.

Simon:

"Do you think crabs think we walk sideways?"

Yes, James, Yes It Could

At my birthday party...

James: "So, who came first? You or your sister?"

...

[everyone looks at him silently]

"That could have come out better..."

Critical reception of "The Adventures of Mark Twain":

Richard Manns | E-cards - when you care enough to hit "send". says:
"REMEMBER, KIDS, WORSHIPPING SATAN CAN GET MORPH SQUISHED FLAT"


Confused? You will be.

Mystery Quote

Okay, so, I wrote this one down on my phone at a party.

Other than that, I remember very little about it - the circumstances leading to its delivery, who it was about (although I know it was said to a male grad friend, possibly Darrell), or even who said it (but I think it was Baz).

With that out of the way, let me introduce you to a quote that has been living in my "Drafts" folder for the past half-term, and which I can now finally delete from my phone:

"You know I love you, but you're a great big blubbering clitoris."

I thank you.

Richard really appreciates my fashion sense.

Richard Manns | wants to have the INTERNET. says:
It's a demonstration of the melding of child-like things and non-child-like things in a blissful union of surface decoration and underlying topography!

Bailey | exams done! says:
Quote Book: "Richard's desciption of looking at a top printed with Miffy-style rabbits, and the bouncy bunnies beneath".

On family values

Cez: "Yeah, you do act like you're a middle child."

Ed: "That's because I'm the best."

Ruth: "Aww, does your mum call you her happy bunny?"

Ed: "No."

Cez: "No, she calls something else her happy bunny."

Ed: "That was uncalled for."

Hugs - highly consequential.

During a 3-way conversation that sidetracked into a discussion of various tissues under the microscope...

|| solitude // 3dge // Vendetta || says:
I can haz hug
Angela says:
doesn't sarah give you enough hugs?
Angela says:
i thought you were studying something about computers?
Angela says:
why are you looking at semen and lungs under a microscope?
|| solitude // 3dge // Vendetta || says:
not enough hugs :(
Angela says:
which question was that in answer to?

NB: re-ordered for clarity

On crosswords

Ruth [reading from the crossword]: " 'Award, formerly used for knighthood.' Eight letters."

Bill: "Sir!"

Education, education, education

Lecturer: "But of course, we're a bit more better educated these days..."

Overkeen much?

Ruth: "I reckon the lecturer's doing that thing where instead of saying 'shh' she just waits for us all to naturally be quiet. Steph and I are going to start saying 'shh' in a moment."

[Shh-ing ensues.]

Lecturer: "It's no good going 'shh', I'm waiting for the AV technician to arrive."

Ones for the medics

I've been resisting the urge to post these for weeks, because they aren't immediately obvious to people less geeky than myself. But they make me laugh every time I see them (I wrote them in the back of my notebook - this was possibly a bad idea as it forces me to stifle a giggle every time I want to write down something a consultant says) and so I thought I might as well share them with the world.

And who knows, you might even learn something!

---

At the colorectal clinic:

Doctor [pounding fist emphatically on the table]: "We need to get to the bottom of this."

And later:

Li: "No-one gives a shit about Hirschsprung's ... no pun intended."

A very useful page entitled What I need to know about Hirschsprung's Disease - i.e. what you need to know about Hirschsprung's Disease (if you don't already) for that joke to be funny/highly offensive. You only need to read the first section.

Introducing Jet Li

Sorry, the title of the post actually has nothing to do with the contents. Li is my firm partner for my surgery rotation, and has been a constant source of either amusement or irritation to me. What makes him still more invaluable is that he is only a couple of inches taller than me (with my shoes on).

He's pretty laid back, as lazy as I am, and has a passion for long-distance running. That's about all the background you need to know for this anecdote.

Consultant [to a patient]: "You have a runner's frame ... long and lean."

I looked at Li.

From a lecture...

Lecturer:

"In fact, 25% of you in this room have genital herpes and are unaware of it."

[short, worried silence...]


Male voice from the back, accusingly:

"Greg!"

Typical vet conversations

Tom:
"I'm a very picky non-scavenger. It has to be breathing and twitching when I bite into it... or at least have just fallen out of the tree."

Greg:
"...What's that?"

Tom:
"How to be a fruitarian meat-eater."

---

Tom (to Mary): "Kicking the bottom of your clogs is like kicking a tree with an elephant in it."

Alex: klepto worn down by social convention.

Alex: "I stole my bag from Debenhams."
Me: "... what?!"
Alex: "Well, bought."
Me: "..."
Alex: "Stole but with the handing-over of money."

That most elusive of Scottish wildlife...

Cez:

"How does that look like a haggis?! It hasn't even got any legs!"