I'm awesome really

Steve: "Nick's a bowling perfectionist - he'll either hit all the pins, or none of them"

Steve diplomatically tells me I'm a shit (and occasionally fluky) bowler...

Overheard while those involved were leaving for a lads' night out.

Andrew L to Richard:

"Wow, you have quite protuberant man-breasts."

Apparently lads' night isn't lads' night without talking about breasts, but shouldn't you save it until there are women to talk about?

Another one

Lauren: "Did I ever tell you about the time I thought I caught AIDS?"

Guest again: Charles Curry

"... no one expects you to, except Rachmaninoff; but he's a cunt."

"It was basically the sort of thing my granny would wear, and she's a fairly stereotypical granny."

Guest star: Rachel (the PDNer)

Rachel, while pulling on outdoor gloves in mad-scientist fashion:

"Welcome to the world of the LAB!"

(If you need a reference for the voice, watch the first episode of Futurama.)

A Kieran moment

On returning from signing James' birthday card:

"I think... I just spelt my name incorrectly..."

Special Guest Star: CF

"Vaginas are amazing! They have lips! Why can't they talk?"

"Pass me the new Strongbow. I need deliciousness."

"I'd deal on* Orlando Bloom, but I'd have to be raping him."

*"I'd deal on" is an Assassins-in-joke type of phrase derived from Deal or No Deal - saying you would "deal" on someone means you'd agree to have sex with them.

So now we know. Oh dear.

James: Well, a sheep's arse is better than four snatches...

Quite.

Innocence checkpoint

Celery's Australian cousin says:
I'd check the Sun website but I'd get diverted by page 3

If you don't get that, put a tick in the Innocence box.
If you do get that, I'd like to add a short disclaimer here: the Sun in Australia is actually a respectable paper. However, the one in Malaysia is every bit as trashy and tabloid as the English Sun, minus page 3 of course.

Thwarted

Richard Manns says (23:51):
I'll beat you back [to Cambridge] regardless - :P
Dizzy Steinway says (23:51):
Fair enough - there have to be some perks of living in Bristol.
Richard Manns says (23:51):
Free food - :)
Richard Manns says (23:51):
Not being charged rent for my room...
Dizzy Steinway says (23:51):
No, I meant generally.
Richard Manns says (23:52):
Apart from family, not really - :S
Richard Manns says (23:52):
There have been bugger-all parties.
Dizzy Steinway says (23:52):
damn
Dizzy Steinway says (23:53):
that comment was really only meant to inspire a "lol" so I could be like "haha BURRRN, you live in a shithole" and then move on - I didn't expect a serious discussion

Note to self: they don't understand sarcasm. Stop using it.

Louise: I don't want to go to school on Monday.
Mammy [sarcasm]: Oh, well that's alright...
Me: Yeah, you can just stay home and watch TV all day. Then when you're 18 we'll kick you out on the street and you can live in a box.
Kathryn: OOH, can I?

Watch the video, you'll understand.

Swedish Idol

Gyro says:
I can just imagine him chasing someone down the street with his arms like that and singing numa numa

Gyro says:
for the first 3 seconds he looks and behaves like a sim!

Excerpt from a family dinner

This is a stunningly good example of why Malaysian drivers have problems getting English driving licenses.

Celery's aunt: "...and he was driving down the middle of the road!"
Celery's other aunt: "Well, that's safer, isn't it?"


Edit: I've just realised that, ironically, my "other aunt" is Australian.

My mother learned something new today.

Celery mum: "How do you spell ambassador?"
Celery + Celery dad, in chorus: "A-M-B..."
Celery mum: "It doesn't start with an E??"