And this is why it's important to read the label.

A lecturer trying to reassure us that deciding what drug to give an exotic pet wasn't a scary and difficult process...

"After all, Baytril's just as good for an invertebrate as it is for a cat. No, wait, it's not good for cats because it makes them go blind, but..."

On colour matching

Blaise: "... and you could bring in a swatch of colour that you wanted, and match it to what they've got - like in those Durex ads!"

[Everyone stares.]

Blaise: "... Dulux, I mean."

On the dangers of... tiny cats?

A discussion about how cats generally like to be outdoors, so shouldn't be kept inside full-time...

Han-Ley: "But if you had a really big house..."

Me: "Yeah, but in that case you should consider getting an FIV-positive cat from a shelter-" *

HL: "What?! I don't want a cat with AIDS..."

Me: "Well, it can't give it to you."

HL: "But what if the virus mutates?"

Me: "And if you then... ate the cat? While very drunk?"

HL: "... It could crawl into my mouth while I sleep."



*Their immune system is destroyed by the virus, so you have to prevent them being exposed to any (cat) disease, and the only effective way to do this is to keep them away from other cats. As you can imagine, they're more difficult to rehome.

On dictatorships

Bill: "Does anyone ever get so good at ruling a country that they get headhunted to rule other countries?"

Steph: "That only happens in football."

One-all

On a related subject to the previous post, we were in fact talking about that the other day!

Steph: "How was your holiday in Hungary?"

Cez: "You mean Istanbul? That's in Turkey."

[Everyone laughs at Steph's poor geography.]

Cez: "I know why you thought that, it's the subliminal effect of my Prague mug!"

Bill: "Prague's in the Czech Republic. I think that's one-all!"

Cez: [sulkily] "Well, at least I didn't think that New Zealand was next to Belgium."

Hannah Montana causes geography failure! We must cancel her show to improve our education like such as and build up our future. For our children.

Me: Remember that time you were telling me about how New Zealand is next to Belgium?

Louise: What? I didn't say that!... It's that one next to Russia, isn't it?

[roomful of laughter]

Louise: Oh, it's beside Greece, isn't it?

[more incredulous laughter]

Louise: Is it in Europe?

Kathryn: [in a "you eejit" tone] Noooooo!

[more]

Louise: ... near Canada?

[most of room falls over]

Louise: So where is it?

Me: It's near Australia.

Louise: Oh right. [pregnant pause] But isn't Australia in Europe?

Me: ... please tell me you're joking?

Louise: ... ... ... ye-e-e-e-s...?

On achievements

Lecturer: "Vaccination is one of the big successes of St. George's [Hospital/Medical School, where Edward Jenner pioneered the smallpox vaccine]. The other is dragon eradication. There have been no dragons in South-West London since this institution was built."

More word play

Cez: "I like what you did with the shoes in the hallway. Very creative."

Ruth: "It's conceptual art."

Bill: "But what's it got to do with conception?"

On feminism

Ruth, a feminist: "Oh Sarah, you're such an anti-feminist!"

Bill: "That's also what Ruth's nieces and nephews will call her."

On personal ads

Bill: "I'd love to see a personal ad that says, 'Looking for Emma. Ex-girlfriend was called Emma. Have tattoo. Need new Emma.' [pause] '"Gemma" would also do.'"

On exams

Cez's cousin: "Okay. Go study. Pass your exams."

Cez: "I'll try..."

Cez's cousin: "There is no try. There is only pass and/or cheat/bribe."