Special Guest Star: Rasputin Mataharavitch

It was coming up to five in the morning on the 12th of September in my part of the world. I can only postulate that Insomnia, that conniving, depraved devil, had slipped granulated Pro-Plus into the Coke I had at the pub.

thinks very hard about this

Or maybe my caffeine resistance has declined out of term-time.

This episode shines the Special Guest Star Spotlight (complete with its own font and colour!) on Rasputin Mataharavitch, whom most of us know and some of us love. If you didn't know it already, here he shows himself to be just as ... individual ... as the rest of us.


Cez:
Been at the computer a bit long, I apologise for wrgh-ness.
Rasputin:
wrgh?
Cez:
WRGH.
Cez:
(ness)
Rasputin:
oh hang on - you mean 'wurgh'
Rasputin:
we spell it differently in ireland


Rasputin then kindly offered to "tell a really boring story" which would hopefully put me to sleep. I gladly accepted, and he began.


once upon a time, there was a man
one day he got up
went and had a shower
ate breakfast
and went off to work


I assured him that my eyelids had begun drooping at this point. (I wasn't lying, either.)


he got to the train station
and looked at the timetable for the next train
there was one at 9.05
one at 9.15
one at 9.5
9.25 sorry (hope the typo hasn't helped get you interested in the story at all)


It had. "D'oh," he said, before ploughing onwards.


one at 9.35
one at 9.45
one at 9.55
then one every half hour from 10.15 through till 5.45
anyway, it was 9.22, so the man decided to get the one at 9.25
but it was delayed so he only was able to get it at 9.28
he was three minutes late for work as a result
but it was okay cos his boss was understanding, sometimes these things just happen you know
anyway the man sat down in front of his computer and started work
yes! he was a naccountant

Rasputin:
...how long are you going to keep reading this rubbish?


Until I fell asleep in my chair.


okay well the man checked to see if any companies were going to collapse in financial scandal in the near future, but none of them were
so he decided to read the paper
but it was silly season so there weren't any interesting news stories
so he played tetris on his computer
he tried to beat his high score of 496.
but the best he could do was 387


Here I expressed my opinion of how poor a score that was. But I suppose I shouldn't be so harsh towards Rasputin's main antagonist. He's only a naccountant, after all.


eventually he got bored and wandered over to the coffee machine
he got his coffee, and settled back down in his chair
after a while the coffee made him go to the toilet
so he did that
(number ones is all)
oh dear, ive put a taboo subject in the story, which probably makes it interesting
ive failed utterly
id better just get the story over with as quickly as possible


He paused a scant moment to build momentum before the climax.


at that moment, the mafiosi burst into the cubicle and filled him with lead... he died instantly
THE END


The transcripts show that I applauded at great length.


Rasputin says:
the book's out next year
im thinking of writing a novella called 'whiskey and the sausage factory'