The Quote Book

Graduation is a solemn occasion

2011-06-30T08:56:00.002Z

To Bailey, as they create the groups of four:

Praelector: And you'll get all four fingers because you're special.

And, whilst searching for an absent graduand...

Praelector: Cox. Cox? Cox! Cox! Cox?!

I hear it was good wine last night, eh?

She was just ox-ing for that pun

2011-06-12T23:22:00.003Z

Told to me after they'd been out on a countryside walk:

Gerard: "Those calves have a lot of energy, look at them running around."
Louise: "They're gamboling."
Gerard: "The steaks must be high..."

It runs in the family

2011-06-11T20:55:00.002Z

After I, then Mammy, missed several calls on a few different days because we'd both forgotten to turn our mobiles off silent, HL tries to understand our logic -

HL: " 'I know my phone has this feature so I know when someone is contacting me. But I choose to disable this feature, you know, to make it more exciting' ?"

Well, that's all okay then

2011-06-10T23:40:00.001Z

Talking to owners who had returned to collect their dog, having been touring the town centre to kill time during the day -

Clinician: "So, did you enjoy the town?"
Owner: "Oh yes, busy though, when we went to see the colleges and all."
Clinician: "So you met the hundred and one Chinese and Japanese tourists! At least they're short enough you can see the sights over their heads..."
[everyone laughs]
Me: [amused] "I should probably point out that my future in-laws are Chinese."
Clinician: "Really?! Well, pretend I just said Japanese then."

It is?

2011-05-20T11:31:00.002Z

Random girl on the street:

"Chicken is orgasm in a bird. It's sex on little, clucky legs."

What?

2011-05-20T11:28:00.001Z

"Pfft. It's ASDA, not Jesus."

Random quote I recorded on my phone. I have no idea either.

The Eternal Optimist

2011-04-04T18:30:00.001Z

Blaise: "Wine then beer makes you feel queer. But wine then beer then more wine... makes you feel fine."

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - The New Film

2011-03-19T14:57:00.001Z

Narrator: "... after years of estrangement, the brothers reunite..."

Blaise: "Wouldn't they be middle-aged mutant ninja turtles by now?"

On MAs and countability

2011-02-20T12:43:00.003Z

Following a discussion on the feasibility of Ramsey's 'lifestyle opportunities'...

Blaise: Han-Ley, you can go for a one-to-one mapping of Ramsey's cock if you like.

On healthy living

2011-01-26T02:31:00.002Z

Blaise: "My body is a temple, which I make sacrifices to, like chocolate cake and wine."

Obfuscation of Justice

2011-01-15T12:06:00.005Z

Louise complains about lack of money and (jokingly) how she might have to rob a bank -

Me: "They'd probably have silent alarms."
Louise: "Oh. I could cover myself in talcum powder and tin foil."
Me: "What?!"
Louise: "Aren't those the laser things that you walk through?"
Me: "No, it's a button under the counter that alerts the police."
Louise: "Oh... well, at least when the police show up they won't know what I am."

Well, that explains everything.

2010-11-26T20:35:00.004Z

NB: "Creep feed" = the pellets fed to young calves.

Farm animal vet:

"I knew a guy once who caught ringworm from eating creep feed. [dismissively] But he's from Yorkshire."

On reputation

2010-10-19T16:39:00.002Z

During a Part 1B practical, where I was demonstrating for the 2nd group...

Female undergraduate: Excuse me, are you Mr 'Inframammary Angle'?
Richard: Errr...
Female undergraduate: Yes! Alice told me, "You'll never guess who demonstrated last week! Inframammary Angle!"

On spelling it out...

2010-10-03T12:17:00.002Z

Andrew is implying that I'm possibly veering towards homosexuality...

Andrew: "You like pink, don't you, Richard?"
Richard: "No, not really."
*pause*
Richard: "Well, it depends on what pink we're talking about..."

Everyone sniggers, apart from Blaise looking nonplussed...

A few minutes of increasingly exasperated hinting ensues, before finally...

Bailey: "VAGINAS. WE'RE TALKING ABOUT VAGINAS."

It's fun to insult random strangers

2010-09-19T21:59:00.002Z

On spotting a particularly attractive barmaid -

Richard: "Muffin-top tramp-stamp."

On polygamy

2010-09-19T21:55:00.002Z

Ruba: "... it's physically impossible to love two people a precisely equal amount."

Cez: "Couldn't you just make sure you strictly took turns?"

Ruba: "We're talking about soppy love..."

Chris: "Not sloppy love."

On romancing

2010-08-08T10:09:00.003Z

Cez: "The universe could end tomorrow."

Andrew: "The universe could end tonight."

Richard: "Is that your standard pick-up line, Andrew?"

On pronounciation

2010-08-08T10:07:00.001Z

Sky: "I could be a barrister, and make James extra strong coffees!"

Everyone else: "..."

Chris: "... a barista?"

Possibly Jessica's inaugural entry to the Quote Book

2010-08-05T22:18:00.001Z

Jessica: "If James were a woman, he would have been knocked up so many times by now... he needs to learn to say no."

On buying women

2010-08-01T13:10:00.001Z

Darrell: "I would have gone with Barbies are cheaper than hookers, but now that it comes to it, I'm not entirely sure on the price of either."

An easygoing personality

2010-08-01T13:09:00.001Z

Blaise: "Yes, that's fine... I've just realised I didn't actually hear what I just agreed to."

Always best to know when to stop

2010-07-12T12:46:00.004Z

Andrew is fairly new to poker and has been drawn to bet far too much money on a bad hand, which he eventually loses...

Andrew: "I just - he raised me, and I couldn't stop betting..."
HL: "Don't ever go to Las Vegas. You'll leave naked. With AIDS."
Others: "...AIDS?!"
HL: "Prostitution for more gambling money."

He's like a mammary GPS

2010-07-12T12:38:00.002Z

During a conversation about obesity at BA dinner -

Richard: "General rule: breasts should go past bellybutton, not the other way around."
[I look down, Richard looks confused]
Me: "I was just checking how this slouched posture affects things."
Richard: "It doesn't. I'm aware of the location of your tits at all times, don't worry."
[pause]
Richard: "You really shouldn't let me near alcohol."

On status cars

2010-07-06T14:31:00.002Z

HL: "When people see someone driving by in a BMW, they think 'Wow, that person has more money than me.'"
Me: "I think a lot of them think 'Look at that wanker in the BMW.'"
HL: "I want to be that wanker in the BMW."

SCIENCE

2010-06-21T16:19:00.003Z

*in the lab office, talking about names of plasmids*

Jim: We should name a plasmid pNis (hehehe, penis).

Gemma: This is getting a bit childish; I should go.

Richard: Yes, before it rubs off on you.

Gemma: *walks away*

Gemma: *pauses*

Gemma: *disgusted look*

Pune

2010-06-06T17:50:00.002Z

Cez: "Homo erectus - I think it's one of the intermediate stages between monkeys and man."

Cez's housemate Will: "The one before that was Homo floppy."

Stereotypes exist for a reason

2010-05-28T17:34:00.000Z

After my short description of living in Ireland:

Megan:
"So it's true! It's all rain and potatoes!"

To be fair, he should know by now to choose his words more carefully.

2010-05-18T17:50:00.000Z

During a phone conversation, Gerard mentions a male friend who has been giving confusing more-than-friendly signals, then:

Gerard: "So, I guess I really just don't know how to take this guy."
Me: "Well..."
Gerard: "You! Don't. Say. Anything."
Me: "... okay."

But I thought we got to 300 posts ages ago...

2010-05-13T13:33:00.002Z

... so I don't understand why we were still only on 300 when I signed in just now.

Any ideas, anyone?

But let's not wish too hard, it just might come true

2010-05-13T13:28:00.002Z

The Scene: We are staring idly at the news, showing on a far-off television in the canteen. It's muted, but the sign-language subtitles are on.

Cez's colleague: "If only I were deaf, I'd know exactly what he was saying."

Instant Quotes, Just Add Alcohol!

2010-04-26T22:50:00.000Z

Richard: "You sucked me into my father fingering a dwarf!"

Me: "Nyehhh!"
Richard: "Nyehhhh!"
Blaise: "Nyehhhhhh!... I felt left out."

Random posh girl: "I don't consider myself posh because my parents worked."

She's on a roll

2010-04-22T14:16:00.000Z

While visiting my aunt, she told us about a minor car accident they'd had due to losing a wheel unexpectedly.

Aunt: "The steering column started to vibrate first, and we didn't know it was a problem, and I grabbed onto it and said to [passenger], 'Look, I'm Dolly Parton! #IIIIIIiiiiieeeeIIIIIIiiiieeeeIIIIIiiii, willlllll allllllwayyyyys lovvvvvve yooOOOOOOOuuuuu....#' and then there was a bump and I looked out the window and said 'That's my fucking wheel rolling away!', and then we went 'clonk' and stopped."

Mammy: "You know what she did as her encore? '#You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Wheel...#' "

Zing!

2010-04-16T00:45:00.000Z

During my unexpected extra day at home, there was a family chat re. my upcoming additional year in university -

Uncle Martin: "Well, you know, it's a good year to have stayed back, with the economy and all -"
Me: "Yeah, everything's up in the air at the moment."
Mammy: "Except aeroplanes."

A Rose by any other name

2010-03-14T23:11:00.001Z

Darrell: "This fork is missing a prong. It's a threek."

On regional accents

2010-03-14T23:08:00.002Z

Cez, to a co-worker: "That's funny, you don't sound like you're from South London."

Said co-worker from South London: "Why, how do I sound?"

Another co-worker: "Posh."

#High on a hill was a bankrupt banker...#

2010-03-13T22:16:00.000Z

Malte: "There aren't many Swiss farmers anymore - they all became bankers."
Josh: "Well, that explains the credit crunch."

Overheard in Primark #2

2010-03-13T21:58:00.000Z

A mother and teenage daughter have just reconvened outside the changing rooms -

Mother: "Yeah, I tried on that blue top, but it made me look...[thoughtful pause]"
Daughter: [helpfully] "Fat?"

BANZAIIIIII!!

2010-03-11T13:55:00.000Z

Richard Manns | says:
Is it just a coincidence that the word "panda" has the same number of syllables as "BANZAI!"? Well, IS IT?
Bailey says:
nah
little-known fact, the word BANZAI first came into use as a war cry back when the Japanese and Chinese were fighting with panda-catapults.
Richard Manns | says:
BAN is from the sound the rubber bands make as they release their pent-up force, and ZAAAAIiiiiiiii... is the last known sound that the panda makes before black-and-white oblivion is handed out like big slices of whoop-ass cake.
Bailey says:
Ah, and here I thought BANZAI meant "release the panda!" in one language, and "shit, incoming pandas!" in another...
Richard Manns | says:
Or "incoming panda shit!". Those pandas can get mighty nervous in transit.
Bailey says:
"eats, shoots and leaves", indeed.

Yes, yes it was

2010-03-09T17:06:00.000Z

While assembling HL's own-recipe bruschetta together in the kitchen -

Han-Ley: "You're like the Spartacus to my da Vinci!"
Me: "I don't think you mean Spartacus..."

After a quick lesson from Wikipedia -

Han-Ley: "So... that was the worst analogy ever."

On friendship circles

2010-03-08T23:10:00.002Z

Darrell: "This isn't a circle built entirely of bitching, is it?"

Blaise: "No not at all, I'm the only one that bitches!"

Most brothels must be accidental

2010-03-01T21:02:00.002Z

James O'D: "I plan on staying in the house a while, not letting it fall into disrepute..."

It's a minor difference, really

2010-02-28T02:32:00.004Z

Cez, re: Boris Johnson -

"He jumped in a river to save someone."
[funny looks from others in the room]
"...well, he fell in a pond once."

All right, enjoy the scenic route then

2010-02-24T21:01:00.002Z

As I'm unlocking my bike across the street from Trinity Great Gate, a man on a bike stops by me -

Man: "Excuse me, can you tell me where St John's College is?"
Me: [pointing at the very nearby main gate, right in front of us] "It's that big building right over there."
Man: "On the left?...er...right?"
Me: "On the left, yes."
Man: "On the right?"
Me: "On the left. That big gate with gold designs over it, see, right there."
Man: "Okay, thank you."

As I watch, he cycles off (the wrong way up a one-way street) and turns off... to the right.

Overheard in Primark

2010-02-19T17:38:00.003Z

"I should totally be the new Trinny & Susannah."
- hipster boy wearing girls' jeans and a beret

-----

In the far end of the women's changing rooms, a loud conversation starts up in (as far as I can recognise) Cantonese. The cubicles next to me house a group of English teenagers -

Girl: "Uh, are they taking the piss or are they speaking, like... a language?"
Friend: "Shhh! ... I know what you mean though."

So We Did

2010-02-18T23:26:00.001Z

Richard:

"Let's talk about something more wholesome. Like paedophiles."

Needs further investigation

2010-02-18T23:17:00.001Z

Richard, regarding the use of a touch-screen phone:

"It's so much better than stroking my girlfriend's cleavage!"

Warning Signs For Dummies

2010-02-18T23:15:00.003Z

Han-Ley:

"Do not drown in water. Water may impair breathing."

Guest star #53

2010-01-09T23:12:00.001Z

Will, Cez's new housemate: "I went off horror movies when I watched Pitch Black, which is as boring as it sounds."

On love

2010-01-09T23:10:00.002Z

Considering how the spark goes out of a relationship -

Nick Roberts: "Sparks are supposed to be transient! If it continues, it's not a spark, you're getting electrocuted!"

On bitchy comments

2009-12-14T21:59:00.001Z

Richard, commenting on a pair of girls: "Oh my God, are those two looking for business?!"

So, I do still exist...

2009-10-19T15:34:00.002Z

One from an infection control lecture this morning:

"MRSA, that's killing them, that's like stabbing them in the head with a knife. But we don't see prisons full of nurses, do we..."

On ambitions

2009-10-19T14:42:00.001Z

Blaise: "I always meant to look in the attic of my last house, it was my aim for about three months."

Darrell: "You aim high, don't you?"

On alternative uses of electrical devices

2009-09-30T22:06:00.001Z

Jessica: "I didn't have my iPod, so I couldn't even play Solitaire."

Chris: "Or listen to music."

No, no it doesn't

2009-09-19T00:48:00.001Z

1 hour in to Night At The Museum 2:

"I don't think this happens in real life."

I couldn't bear to put this one in with the previous post for fear of sullying my mother.

2009-09-14T19:37:00.002Z

or, Out Of Context Part II

Ruba: "It's no good if you're not covered in something fun and white!"

No, it really isn't.

2009-09-14T19:35:00.001Z

Cez's mum: "Our beer's really strong in Malaysia, it's 14 percent!"

All his stories end this way

2009-09-06T23:14:00.004Z

via Facebook chat:

Uncle:
we were watching some old vid today of 1st time you lot came to visit
you were about [11 years old]

Me:
if that

Uncle:
remember oscar the horse

Me:
...no

Uncle:
well he died

More humour

2009-08-31T16:11:00.002Z

Darrell: "Would that face ever lie?"

Blaise: "No, but it could be wrong sometimes."

==================================

Chris: "A guy walked into the toilets and tried to have a witty repartee with me about the noise of the hand dryer, but I couldn't hear him."

We Went To The Edinburgh Fringe And Now We Think We Are Comedians Too

2009-08-27T12:29:00.002Z

Chris: "Do they sell The Times here?"

Blaise: "Scotland does have The Times, it's not as backwards as Wales."

=====================================

Cez, to Blaise's mum: "Guess what Blaise did this morning, she cracked an egg with her bare hands!"

=====================================

Cez: "If I ever did a show at the Fringe, it would just be me ranting about all the things I hate in life."

Blaise: "It's cheaper than a psychiatrist."

=====================================

Blaise: "He's a mixture between an arrogant dick and an immature wanker."

Out Of Context

2009-08-07T10:48:00.001Z

Sky [James Frost's girlfriend]: "I fell asleep while he was doing it!"

Re: James writing his thesis.

A glimpse into my Amazing, Awe-Inspiring, and Thoroughly Wonderful Sense of Humour

2009-08-01T09:44:00.005Z

Ruth: "Are you alright to carry the fish and chips home?"

Cez: "Sure, I'll cuddle it to keep it warm ... or should I say, I'll CODdle it."

Ruth: [laughs, despite herself]

The above fish pun is dedicated to James O'D. Long may he rain! (Because fish like the rain, see...)

Of course, it made sense in context

2009-07-05T02:27:00.001Z

Blaise, sipping a Czech beer:

"You can almost taste the goat!"

For the record

2009-07-04T02:31:00.000Z

Han-Ley:
"I lie - I'm full of shit."

Is that a tumour or are you just pleased to see me?

2009-07-03T02:16:00.000Z

After a long and convoluted pub conversation with many threads...

Han-Ley: "Darrell has cancer?!"

Darrell: "Nah, I always look this way."

---
No Darrells were harmed in the making of this quote. Tthey were, however, mildly annoyed.

On famous sayings, and the plagiarism thereof

2009-06-27T13:29:00.002Z

Chris: "As it turns out, Sky [the name of a girl we know] isn't spelt with an 'e'."

Darrell: "That's because no woman is an island."

On foreign languages

2009-06-25T20:08:00.001Z

Ruth: "I have this rug, it's beige and white and has Chinese writing on it, which probably says, 'I am a twat'."

On practical jokes

2009-06-25T20:05:00.002Z

James O'D: "My brother's asked me to leave a bunch of flowers outside his girlfriend's door, then he's going to call her and tell her to go outside, and she'll be all surprised."

Darrell: "You could leave anything!"

Overheard on the train

2009-05-30T15:51:00.002Z

A builder, to his mate: "We earn twice as much as they earn, but he earns twice as much as we earn, so he's earning THREE TIMES what they earn!"

I wonder if he'd have been even more outraged had he realised the truth.

On bad jokes

2009-05-26T16:53:00.002Z

Blaise: "The thing that strikes you about Wayne Rooney is his face..."

Chris: "No, the thing that you want to strike about Wayne Rooney is his face..."

[seconds later]

Chris: "I didn't think I'd get that much laughter."

Reunion = drunk people = quotes

2009-05-11T21:22:00.002Z

James: "I came twice in quick succession... [shortly afterwards] Ooh, I'm going again!"

Sarah T: "My cup is as big as my face!"

Han-Ley: "Is she nice?"
Blaise: "Nice... but... a mathmo..."

James:
"This morning, I thought I had swine flu. I had rashers all over my body, I was scratching everywhere, and I had a temperature - I was bacon hot. I rang NHS Direct, but the line was bad, so I just got a load of crackling. They told me to use oinkment."

He found his first pair of football boots under the bridge.

2009-04-21T17:06:00.003Z

After Han-Ley had been told to stop being a troll...

Darrell: I thought trolls were fictional.
James: No, look under the bridges. That's where they live.
Chris: Or playing in the number 10 shirt for England.

(Yes, I know Shrek is an ogre, but the resemblance was too good to ignore.)

On vocabulary

2009-04-18T17:54:00.003Z

Ruth: "Steph's no good at ... interpersonal thinky describingness!"

Cez: "Unlike you."

Woman. Lecturer. Legend.

2009-03-11T22:11:00.002Z

A selection of quotes from an infamous female lecturer...

Telling us to keep nails trimmed for rectalling -
"You can have a gin hand and a rectal hand, but one arm needs to be short and shitty."

Describing the size of a mare's cervix -
"You've all seen the size of the end of a stallion's penis - you could stick your whole head in there!"

"Some people prefer to use chains, but I have ropes in my office."

"Now we all know penises are wonderful, but let's face it, they're dirty things."

"Ooh, I'm a very cheap date now."

"Like putting a hand down your shirt, or somebody else's... don't do it now. Later. No, not down my shirt."

"I'm very grateful he had blue balls."

"I am not going to mention any other end- ... ender- ... hormone things."

And finally, the oft-heard refrain (paraphrased):
"When I do my own revue I'll be taking the piss out of you lot and the stupid things students say."

They do things differently over there

2009-03-10T19:07:00.002Z

We saw this road sign on our car journey to Wales:

Blaise: "Roadworks in Australia?"

Neuro = last rotation = yay

2009-03-10T12:35:00.005Z

Nick Jefferey, trying to get his dog to lie down for a neurological exam
(imagine all patiently said with the same intonation):

"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
[he lifts Fred and forcefully lays the dog down on his side]
"Good boy, Fred!"

----

After being offered the chance to test tendon reflexes with a patella hammer:

Greg: "Nah, I've tapped a fair few dogs in my time. [pause] Ohhhh... that sounded terrible."

Vet Chat

2009-03-03T13:34:00.006Z

Please note most of the following are as accurately phrased as memory would allow...

----

Simon: I was at a camp once where they made this guy wax his own pubic hair... when he pulled it off he went [mimes grabbing at the area in pain] but then his hand got stuck and he had to rip that off too.

Phil: What kind of camp do you go to, Simon?!

Simon: Oh, I didn't go to it - I was in charge.

----

Chris and JP have been openly plotting for about 5 minutes, then:

Chris (to Simon): We're going to send a hundred pizzas to your hotel room.

JP: We could send a hundred pizzas and a prostitute.

Chris: Why not just send a hundred prostitutes?

Simon: If you're doing that can you send at least one pizza?

JP: They'll all be male prostitutes.

Simon: Well, I'll be able to have a night off.

----

Chris (re: his [ginger] beard): I was thinking of dying it blue. A nice deep aquamarine.

Simon: For camouflage among the dolphins?

Sophie: ...Dolphins have ginger beards?

----

JP (re: his beard, to Sophie): You're just jealous because you can't grow one.

Sophie (immediately): Yes I can! ... Um.

Overheard on Trinity Lane

2009-02-23T22:06:00.005Z

Passing male cyclist, to cyclist friend:

"-well, I could go back to being a prostitute..."

(I wish they'd been going slower. I'd have loved to hear more.)

Why the clinical vets never forget him

2009-02-12T00:46:00.002Z

Bainbridge:

"Everything was better in my day - except the cannabis. That was crap."

Triple birthday formal

2009-01-25T16:28:00.004Z

Sarah LB: "Sorry, who is Buttplug McQueefqueef?"
- Sarah comes in late to a very normal conversation

Sophie: "Must-get-delicious-lamb! Must get DELICIOUS LAMB!"
- while machete-ing the tasty but unyielding lamb shank

Megan: "We have been whipping people... just the essentials."
Richard: "You whip 'the essentials'?"
- don't look at me, I don't remember how this happened

2009-01-23T00:25:00.002Z

In the restaurant for Emma's birthday:

Me (slightly more quietly than usual):
Oooh! Fat lady, everywhere o'clock!

On facebook walls from a friend who fears my 4 networks compared to her 1:

Hannah:
I am terrified of your networks. :-P xxx

Me:
I fear them; they're breeding and bickering amongst themselves.
But I daren't disturb them, lest they unite against the common foe, and slaughter me to feed their younglings - :(

Lecturers again

2009-01-18T23:12:00.002Z

Re. A. pleuropneumoniae infection:
"Don't have time to eat. Don't have time to drink. Too busy dying."

and just randomly:
"Now remember, there's enough histamine in your bodies to kill you. Do NOT release all your histamine in one go. You'll be dead."

Our lecturers have odd ideas of "fun".

2009-01-10T22:49:00.003Z

Lecturer #1:

"Hmm, we might think of getting some dead dog heads and having a fun afternoon... have a good laugh and do it all together."
Re: removing eyeballs.

Lecturer #2:

"Have you seen this? Let's watch it anyway; bit of light relief."
Re: video of pigs mating.

New term, new lecturer quotes.

2009-01-09T22:54:00.000Z

Lecturer:

"Leptospirosis is a disease of lamp-posts."

Vets & Food

2008-11-18T17:13:00.004Z

"You know me, I'd be honeyless, mustardless and totally butt-naked given the choice."
-Greg's views on honey-mustard dressing

"Fuck yeah, jellybeans!"
- Megan likes sugar

Who's that girl?

2008-10-30T16:21:00.003Z

Chris: "I've been seeing that woman on billboards everywhere at the moment. She looks really familiar."

Cez: "... Keira Knightley?"

Chris: "Oh! Is that who she is!"

[a moment's contemplation]

Chris: "Well, that picture doesn't exactly encourage you to look at her face, does it?"

Vet stuff

2008-10-28T14:52:00.005Z

Megan: "Fractures are caused by a Mel Gibson deficiency."

---------

Greg: (on his fast growth as a teenager) "I'm a broiler, what can I say."

---------

A lecturer attempts to explain the term "dudgeon" to Greg:
Lecturer: "You must have heard of someone being 'in high dudgeon'?"
Greg: "Yeah, I thought it was a place."

---------

A lecturer discusses foot placing to check a horse's proprioceptive ability:
"Some horses are very laid-back, like drunk people - you can put their legs in whatever position you like."
One wonders what she's done/had done to her under the influence...

---------

Greg: (on growth again) "I think my body realised I was going to be a proportionate dwarf, so it hit me with enough growth hormone to kill a small cow."

Honour among thieves ... Confidentiality among medics

2008-10-23T17:05:00.003Z

Ruth: "... this girl, who shall not be named."

Matt: "Who? Who?"

Heard it on the Underground

2008-10-13T22:31:00.002Z

PA on the Tube: "Please mind the closing doors. This train is about to leave the station. The next southbound train for Brixton will be arriving in I don't know how many minutes."

Either someone was bored with their job, or I ought to cut back on those funny purple pills.

First week back, and we've been having a few parties...

2008-09-26T23:43:00.002Z

Richard: "Come on. Live a woman, or die a man?"
[pause]
"Mmm. Titties."

-----

Playing the rhyming game in Ring of Fire, where everyone is supposed to rhyme to the first person's chosen word...

Richard:"Mile."
James: "Smile."
Chris: "Pile."
Cez: "Tile."
Han-Ley: "Camel."

-----

Blaise: "I bought a baguette from our university bakery today, and there was a pebble in it."
James: "Was it stone-baked?"

-----

Richard: "I think I can sum up this night by, 'Blaise or Joe - which one is more of an idiot?' "
James: "That's harsh."
Bailey: "That's very harsh."
Joe: [tips tin of Quality Street over Richard]

-----

Blaise's housemate Constantine (sp?) is collecting the phrase "I love you" in different languages:

Constantine: "Who speaks Welsh?"
Chris: "I do, but I can't say 'I love you.' Why would you say that to a Welsh girl?!"

-----

Han-Ley: "Sexual harassment: it's not a crime, it's a hobby!"
Joe: "And like most hobbies, it's very expensive..."

Better late than never (this post, that is).

2008-09-11T16:42:00.002Z

BBOC reunion 26/07/08

Richard: "The person in my room before me used to throw digestive biscuits across to Sidney Sussex."
Blaise: "No no Richard, that was us."

-----

Andrew D: "I learned how to make a shank, on the subject of arse rape and other prison-related matters."

-----

Cez, on Chris:
"He was talking to her and I was like, 'And who's THAT?' and he said, his cousin. And I said, 'You're Welsh, I still don't trust you.' "

-----

James O'D: "You can't buy tickets for love nor money... uh, well, obviously you can buy them with money..."

-----

Listening to a local radio station, James fails more than usual in the "Does James Know This Band?" game...

Chris: "Do you know what this song is?"
James: "Is it Take That?"
Chris: "... They're WOMEN."

Also...

2008-09-07T21:12:00.002Z

The Quote Book -

bringing you wit, wisdom, innuendo, and multiple feet in mouths since September 2005!

And innuendo.
Did I mention the innuendo?

Happy (slightly belated) 3rd birthday, and 3rd anniversary of the first quote!

Yes, this is something we still tease her about.

2008-09-07T20:50:00.002Z

After I brought up "is New Zealand that one next to Belgium*?" again, Louise attempts to show us that she can point it out on a map...

Louise: "I do know where it is, look..."

[flips to a map in her schoolbook, studies it for a bit]

"... oh wait, it's not in Europe, is it..."

[puts away the MAP OF EUROPE she was searching through]

[family bang heads on table]

------

*Yes, it was actually Luxembourg in the original quote, but for some reason Belgium became the joke.

Introducing my brother

2008-08-23T01:05:00.001Z

At his male-dominated party, after the barbecue where there was still some uncooked food left...

Will: "Hey, let's have a midnight MEAT FEST!"

--silence--

Max, his friend: "Can we just eat the burgers instead?"

Messages received in the space of two minutes' silence:

2008-07-05T13:54:00.002Z

Louise says:
Hello
Louise says:
Hai
Louise says:
Hi
Louise says:
Yo
Louise says:
Hey
Louise says:
Hiya
Louise says:
Heya
Louise says:
ARGH
Louise says:
S'up
Louise says:
Holla
Louise says:
Hola
Louise says:
Bonjour
Louise says:
Bonjorno
Louise says:
Shalom
Louise says:
Dia Duit
Louise says:
Hello?
Louise says:
Are you there??

Bailey says:
yes
Bailey says:
but you didn't ask that until now

The joys of cell cultures

2008-07-04T18:59:00.004Z

As I'm lowering a pipette into a bottle of culture medium...

Vincent: "If you contaminate the medium, it would ruin my entire PhD."
[pregnant pause]
Vincent: "So... uh... no pressure?"

Later, an incubator for cell cultures starts beeping (loudly and annoyingly, so you know it's important) - Franzi goes to it with an air of authority, but the beeping continues:

Vincent: "It's under control?"
Franzi: [shrugs] "Or it will explode in five minutes."

At least I haven't been walking in circles or talking to myself lately...

2008-06-15T16:33:00.003Z

Han-Ley is sitting at the PC looking at an item description page on a computer-bits website when I come up and look over his shoulder...

Me: Pooders!
HL: What?
Me: Pooders!
HL: [blank stare]
Me: Pooders. Pu-ters?... Computers.
HL: That... doesn't really work.
Me: [sulky] Kathryn used to say it...
HL: But didn't someone close her head in a Jeep door once?

Etymology

2008-06-12T20:34:00.002Z

Discussing vasodilation:

Angela says:
dilating veins?
Bailey says:
yes
Bailey says:
well, no
Bailey says:
vaso refers to vessel, not vein
Bailey says:
veno is vein
Angela says:
and vino is... i know this one

And this is why it's important to read the label.

2008-05-30T10:29:00.002Z

A lecturer trying to reassure us that deciding what drug to give an exotic pet wasn't a scary and difficult process...

"After all, Baytril's just as good for an invertebrate as it is for a cat. No, wait, it's not good for cats because it makes them go blind, but..."

On colour matching

2008-05-28T16:30:00.002Z

Blaise: "... and you could bring in a swatch of colour that you wanted, and match it to what they've got - like in those Durex ads!"

[Everyone stares.]

Blaise: "... Dulux, I mean."

On the dangers of... tiny cats?

2008-05-21T15:52:00.008Z

A discussion about how cats generally like to be outdoors, so shouldn't be kept inside full-time...

Han-Ley: "But if you had a really big house..."

Me: "Yeah, but in that case you should consider getting an FIV-positive cat from a shelter-" *

HL: "What?! I don't want a cat with AIDS..."

Me: "Well, it can't give it to you."

HL: "But what if the virus mutates?"

Me: "And if you then... ate the cat? While very drunk?"

HL: "... It could crawl into my mouth while I sleep."

*Their immune system is destroyed by the virus, so you have to prevent them being exposed to any (cat) disease, and the only effective way to do this is to keep them away from other cats. As you can imagine, they're more difficult to rehome.